I am big and yet I am small.
There is someone inside of me that is BIG. It’s the one who is dreaming BIG, lives BIG, and loves BIG, embracing fear. It’s the one who lives in this moment, not letting past paradigms determine future decisions. She doesn’t care for gender norms or social rules. She’s the one who wants to rip open life, that recognizes we have limited time. Who knows this is not a rehearsal. It is the one who nudges me towards decisions that just feel right, who recognizes familiarity in other souls. It’s my intuition.
She knows what I truly need and understands that this is sometimes different from what I want. It’s the one who stands up and says “I want to explore this one, crazy life”; it’s the one who watches while another voice goes “BUT, what about money? What about security? Aren’t there things you ‘should’ be doing?” It is the observer of this dialogue. But it is not this dialogue. It is wide open, yet discerning. It is the place within me where there is no lie.
When I do ‘the work’, I am driving forward a mission of revealing, rather than searching. I am unraveling to uncover the BIG self who has, and always will, lie beneath. It knows abundance to be true, and believes the universe is conspiring with me.
Like everything, she has a shadow. Some call it ego, but I prefer Lissa Rankin’s term – ‘our small self’. It’s the part of me that doesn’t allow me to expand. She compares, and by doing so, separates me from others – and the divine. She is the part who is invested in self-image, in what others may think; she craves to construct a lie to present to the world, rather than show her true self. She remembers each betrayal, creating an inventory of evidence – all the ways in which the universe conspires against her.
I used to believe we needed to cast off this shadow, rid ourselves of the ego. But an effort to destroy our small self only causes it to rear its ugly head. Through resistance, it persists, proclaiming you a failure each time you hear its voice.
Instead, I pay reverence to my BIG self and celebrate each and every time I connect with her. Eating foods that nourish me? I’ve listened to her. Ending relationships that drain or devalue me? I’ve taken her advice. Reaching out to connect with someone new who feels like a kindred spirit? I’m recognizing her intuition.
In turn, I shine a light on my small self; I have begun to recognize the way she tries to sabotage. I see the web of lies she spins, creating fear of the unknown, doubt of my creativity, and ignorance to my self worth. I witness her and I throw compassion her way. She is a reactive child who is simply afraid. In this space, I can hold her close and remind her – everything will be okay.
Everything is already okay.
I know abundance to be true and believe the universe is conspiring with me Click To Tweet Everything is already okay Click To Tweet