When I point out your flaws, I am showing what I believe mine to be.
When I judge you, I am revealing the ways I judge myself.
When I question your decisions, it is because I have questioned my own.
I have felt insecure in the road I am paving and in the routes I have not travelled.
When I assess and measure your achievements it is because I believe I have not achieved enough.
When I insult your appearance, there are still things I see in the mirror that I hate. Ways in which I struggle to love myself. Images I perceive as flaws.
Battle scars I see still as wounds.
When I question your desire to have children – or not – it is because I have felt guilt about stepping away from a career.
It triggers in me a deconstruction of what it means to ‘have it all’.
As I roll my eyes as you pick out unhealthy food, I am turning inwards to punish myself for ‘bad’ food decisions I have made lately. In shaming you, I am showing my cards – that I still struggle not to define my self worth through how well I follow a diet.
Or how little I weigh.
When I say YOU, I mean me – in every instance.
I am pointing a finger outwards because I believe looking inwards would be too painful.
In our inner stadium, it is easier to choose to be the critical audience rather than the vulnerable star.
For this, more than I can ever say,
I am sorry.
I love you.
When I judge you, I am revealing the ways I judge myself Click To Tweet