When I point out your flaws, I am showing what I believe mine to be. 

 

When I judge you, I am revealing the ways I judge myself.

 

When I question your decisions, it is because I have questioned my own.

I have felt insecure in the road I am paving and in the routes I have not travelled.

 

When I assess and measure your achievements it is because I believe I have not achieved enough.

 

When I insult your appearance, there are still things I see in the mirror that I hate. Ways in which I struggle to love myself. Images I perceive as flaws.

Battle scars I see still as wounds.

 

When I question your desire to have children – or not – it is because I have felt guilt about stepping away from a career.

It triggers in me a deconstruction of what it means to ‘have it all’.

 

As I roll my eyes as you pick out unhealthy food, I am turning inwards to punish myself for ‘bad’ food decisions I have made lately. In shaming you, I am showing my cards – that I still struggle not to define my self worth through how well I follow a diet.

Or how little I weigh.

 

When I say YOU, I mean me – in every instance.

 

I am pointing a finger outwards because I believe looking inwards would be too painful.

 

In our inner stadium, it is easier to choose to be the critical audience rather than the vulnerable star. 

 

For this, more than I can ever say,

 

I am sorry.

 

I love you.

 

 

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